


The Way You Hold My Heart

by amethyst-noir (Arbonne)



Series: IronStrange Bingo 2019 Collection (Round 1) [25]
Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Bottom Stephen Strange, Cloak of Levitation (Marvel), Cuddling & Snuggling, Dom Tony Stark, Dom/sub, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Engagement, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Heavy Angst, Hurt Stephen Strange, Insecurity, IronStrange Bingo 2019, M/M, Magical Accidents, Meant To Be, Memory Loss, Stephen Strange Bingo 2019, Talking, Top Tony Stark, submissive Stephen Strange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-12 10:02:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20562473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arbonne/pseuds/amethyst-noir
Summary: "His mind might be back in the state he was in four years ago but his soul remembers you. I'm sure of that."(Stephen performs an incredible risky spell to save Tony's life. The price is his memories of the last four years, mentally throwing him back to a time just a few days after Dormammu.)





	1. Where Thought and Truth Divorce

**Author's Note:**

> So here it is, the final entry for my @ironstrangebingo card! I took great liberties with the prompts (down in the end notes) but there are enough elements in this to justify it as a promptfill, I think. Thank you, dear Anon, for bringing the song "The Sweet Escape" by Poets of the Fall into my life. It's perfect and wonderful and I've listened to it more times than I can count. YT is probably sick of it since the tab has been open for weeks on end. This one kicked my ass almost as much as kidnapped!Stephen did so I really hope that you like the end result. One down, two more cards to go…
> 
> @ironstrangebingo prompt: _Memory_ | @stephenstrangebingo prompt: _1st picture prompt (Stephen with an active time spell mandala)_ | @badthingshappenbingo: _Bleeding Out_

He was losing too much blood, there was no way around it. Tony pressed his hand against his stomach once again but it barely helped against the flow of blood.

"Stephen," he whispered, desperately looking for the telltale flash of red on the battlefield. _Please, come over. I need you._

Instead he was treated to the breathtaking picture of Stephen rising high up in the air, effortlessly dominating the battlefield and getting the attention of each and every combatant, friend and enemy alike. 

Stephen didn't notice the attention. His eyes zeroed in on Tony, lying against a broken wall, bleeding out. He was too far away for Tony to see his face clearly but he could _feel_ the cold determination settling over Stephen and forgot all about pain and bleeding out. _No!_ Whatever Stephen was planning to do, it would not end well, Tony just knew it. 

"Tony, there is no other way." Stephen's voice appeared in his mind, intimate and full of love. "I'm sorry."

Tony had learned to hate those words like no others. They were an immediate 'Danger, abort now, save Stephen from himself!' sign.

"Stephen!"

Stephen looked at him, calm and accepting, even in the midst of battle. "I love you, Tony. Please, remember that. Always." He closed his eyes and took the Time Stone out of its enclosure by memory alone. "Sorry," he whispered so faintly that Tony could barely hear it inside his mind.

"Stephen!" Tony was fighting to get to his feet and against the pain, desperate to save Stephen from himself once again, when the blast of green magic hit him.

The pain vanished as if it had never been there. So did the blood and all the carnage around Tony. He touched his stomach, noticed the once again undamaged nanites covering his body and swallowed hard. "Stephen?" he whispered, looking up at the position he'd last seen him.

Their eyes met for a moment and Stephen mouthed _forever_ before he sank in on himself, the Cloak gently guiding its precious burden to the ground, into Tony's waiting arms. After that it wrapped itself around Stephen in a protective cocoon.

Everything had returned to the state it had been three hours ago. All the destruction undone, Stark Tower stood once again proudly in the middle of New York and the horde of _somethings _that had dared to encroach on their dimension was gone like they'd never arrived in the first place.

Tony's life-threatening injury had vanished along with all the other damage. 

In the middle of the former ground zero stood Tony, swaying and almost staggering under the Stephen's weight. Stephen looked at Tony with an mixture of confusion and something else, something Tony couldn't really identify. 

"Tony Stark? What are you doing here?" he asked before he lost consciousness. 

Tony rearranged them until he held Stephen in some sort of bridal-carry. He beat the rising panic back with effort. "Stephen? Sweetheart? Hey, come on, please. Talk to me, baby."

No reaction. Time to panic then.

"Wong!"

*

"Gone?" Tony repeated, still trying to wrap his head around Wong's words while trying to deny them at the same time.

In answer Wong took his hand and squeezed it. Hard. "I'm sorry."

Tony swallowed, desperately trying to keep the tears at bay. "How much? How many days? Months? Does he…" _Know that we're together? That he's the love of my life? That we're supposed to get married in two weeks?_ Probably not, judging by the confused look and how he'd spoken Tony's name before collapsing.

Wong just took him into an embrace, as if to shield him from the inevitable answer. "He's thinks it's just a few days after Dormammu. He barely speaks but I could get that out of him."

Dormammu. The one Stephen rarely talked about and who still made him wake up shivering from nightmares on a regular basis. The one who had broken Stephen so badly he'd never really recovered, no matter how hard first Wong and then Tony tried.

"So, he's never met me? And barely knows you?"

"I'm sorry. But I need your help." Wong was still holding him as if he was a child, scared of the world. Tony just clung to him like one.

"Anything. You know that."

"Take care of him. Try to make a connection. There might be a chance to reverse the effects of the spell but I need him safe while I'll look into that."

Tony straightened himself, took a deep breath and stepped away from Wong. "He'll be scared with you gone." The words hurt.

"And confused and angry. Watch over him, try to explain. I've tried to tell him but I don't think that he believed me." Wong paused, clearly debating with himself before coming to a decision. "He was a wreck after Dormammu. He'll flinch at nothing, he'll be sensitive to touch and whatever you do - don't touch his hands. He'll be cold one minute and lash out the next and he'll try to hide his tears. Don't let him. I didn't either, back then."

_Oh, Stephen._ Tony nodded and fought against his own tears as he realized just how integral Wong had been in getting Stephen to the quasi-functional state he'd been by the time Thanos sent his henchmen to Earth. "Thank you," he whispered. _For everything you have done for him._

Now it was his duty do to the same once again.

Wong smiled sadly at him. "You'll bring him out of his shell again. His mind might be back in the state he was in four years ago but his soul remembers you. I'm sure of that." 

Tony hadn't even known how badly he'd needed that little bit of hope. He nodded, Stephen's _forever_ echoing in his mind. He nodded and watched as Wong conjured a portal to Kamar-Taj.

"Forever," he murmured as he entered the library where Stephen was brooding over something, still tightly wrapped up in the Cloak and his beautiful hands hidden behind thick gloves like they hadn't been in years. Somehow, the picture didn't look as cozy as before, it seemed as if Stephen was still somehow trying to escape from the Cloak's overprotectiveness. _For him they only found each other a few days ago_, Tony reminded himself. _Forever_, he promised them both in the next second and took a deep breath. Time to get to work then.

"Hello, Stephen," he said the moment Stephen noticed him and looked up. He wanted to run to him, to put his arms around him and never, ever let him go. He wanted to brush the hair out of Stephen's face and he wanted to kiss his stupid, beautiful face, he wanted to call him 'sweetheart' and 'baby' like so often before…

"Mr. Stark," Stephen said rather coolly and Tony's brain crashed to an abrupt standstill.

"Tony," he corrected without too much hysteria in his voice. Or so he hoped. "Please." He couldn't even hate himself for the pleading undertone in his voice. Scratch undertone, he _was_ begging here. He looked to the chair next to Stephen's. "May I?" 

Stephen looked at him as if he was an intruder but after a moment he nodded. "Tony," he repeated with a funny undertone as if he was unused to first names. "What brings you here?"

_I live here_, was the first thing he wanted to say but he reconsidered after a moment. Instead he held out his hand and let Stephen watch as the Cloak reached out and wound itself around his wrist. "Wong told you what happened. I'm here as a… friend while he tries to find a way to," _undo the incredible stupid thing you have done_, "help with your condition."

Stephen watched the spectacle with barely concealed curiosity and only a tiny bit of hostility. He snorted. "Condition. I've lost the memory of the last few years of my life. By magic." He spat the word out in a way Tony had never heard of him before. "That's more than a condition. That's a fucking _nightmare_!"

Wow. That was way more then he'd expected. But there was no way back now. "Four years. More than a few, I think. A lot happened in them."

"So I gather." His sudden hostility gone as soon as it had come. Stephen's eyes were fixed on Tony's left hand, the one with his engagement ring on it. Stephen was wearing its twin on a necklace since his hand was too damaged for a ring. Discovering that had been a low point during an otherwise beautiful day.

He could wear a ring on his right hand but had told Tony that he wanted to wait until it was his wedding band before he did that.

_"There are countries in the world where engagement rings are worn on the left and wedding rings on the right hand. Let's do this right. As right as possible."_

Tony shoved the memory away.

Now Stephen had fished out his ring from under his robes and held it against the light. "That explains that, at least," he said softly. He looked at the ring for a long time before looking at Tony who held his hand out for inspection at the wordless request.

Identical vibranium rings. Tony's decorated with a tiny diamond the color of the Time Stone; Stephen's with a bright gold one, reminiscent of Tony's armor. Stephen had brought the stones from another dimension, Tony had brought the vibranium, and together they had forged the stones by hard work and magic both. 

"There is a lot of magic around those rings," Stephen stated, clearly intrigued.

_He's talking, that's good._ Tony nodded. "Protective magic, mostly, but a few other spells, too."

"And the metal?" 

"Vibranium."

"I've never felt anything like it before."

Tony's heart broke. "You have. Close to your heart, every day for the last six months."

Stephen looked up at that. "We've been engaged for six months?" Tony nodded. "How long have we been together?" he asked, still playing with his own ring. The gloves where a nuisance but it didn't seem as if he was willing to take them off. Tony took his hand back and sat on it to keep himself from touching Stephen.

"That's complicated. Let's just say a little bit over a year."

"And we're already at this stage in our relationship?" Stephen held up the ring once again. This time Tony didn't resist the impulse and reached out to touch it. The metal was warm from Stephen's body and Tony smiled. The memory of the last time he'd seen the ring - laying on Stephen's bare chest, caressing his skin and playing with his nipples - came to him and Tony allowed himself a moment to savor it. He _would_ get to play with Stephen again, he refused to accept anything else. 

"As I said, it's complicated. But yes, we are."

"I'm sorry."

Now Tony was totally confused. "For what?"

"For not remembering. For taking that away from you." Well, there, he'd done it. Made Tony speechless. He was still trying to find something, anything, to say to that when Stephen continued. "I'm sorry, I truly am. I understand if you have better things to do now and quite frankly, so do I. So if you don't mind... I think you know where the door is."

Tony just sat there, shocked and more than a little bit hurt, before his intellect kicked in. "Wow," he finally said. "It's been a while since you were this much of an asshole to me."

Stephen just looked at him, the question implied in the way he held his head. He was still playing with the ring around his neck. "I'm sorry?" he finally said when it's obvious that Tony was finished.

"It's been a while since you tried to push me out of your life. You used to be better at it and it still didn't work. But I guess, since you don't know me, you don't know which buttons to push anymore. You're loss, my gain." He stood up. "I'll be in the kitchen, making some tea. Try to get your head out of your ass and find me when you've managed that." 

He walked away without looking back, no matter how hard it was. It wasn't often that he had treated Stephen this way and it hurt to do so now.

Stephen found him barely half an hour later, brooding over a cup of disgusting tea, and staring off into space.

"We're truly," he began and broke off.

Tony took it as the invitation it was. "Friends, lovers, engaged… take your pick. You might have once uttered the word 'soulmates' but since you were high on some extra-dimensional spores at that time, and also pretty horny, I'm not sure if that counts, really." He smiled to take the sting out of his words and played nervously with his cup. He rather liked the idea, actually, but had never told Stephen that. He suspected that Stephen suspected anyway. Or _had_ suspected. Fuck. He couldn't do this.

Stephen just stood in the door, watching him intently and probably feeling guilty about things he had no business feeling guilty about.

"There is something between us," he said after an eternity. "There is this feeling I get whenever I'm near you. Like I'm where I'm supposed to be, a feeling of safety I haven't felt in a long time." He paused. "If ever."

"_His soul remembers you_," Tony murmured, watching each and every one of Stephen's breaths like the gift they were.

"Beg your pardon?" Stephen came nearer but still refused to sit down.

"Something Wong said. Your mind might have forgotten me but your soul remembers."

Stephen laughed quietly at that. "That doesn't sound very Wong-like."

Tony shook his head. "It does. Deep down the guy is a total romantic. He was a vital part in getting us together for real, you know?"

_That_ got him Stephen's full attention. He pushed he cup of tea towards him. "Here, you need to drink something. Yeah, Wong is totally responsible for this." He tapped his engagement ring against the table. "He couldn't take the mutual pining anymore and decided to throw us together as often as possible until we realized that we didn't hate each other."

"Lots of arguments? Egos clashing?" Stephen guessed and Tony nodded. It was a brutal simplification but the truth was so much more complex than he was prepared to explain right now.

"Tons of them. Magic versus science. What constitutes good ice-cream or tea, who of us has the bigger martyr complex - you name it, we had an argument about it." _Two broken souls, afraid of finding peace with each other._

"And out of that we made this?" Stephen took out the ring once again and let it dangle in the air. The gloves had vanished, Tony noticed only now and stared at Stephen's beautiful hands. They were well-cared for these days, thanks to Tony's insistent badgering, and he hoped to have the chance of doing so again soon.

_Fuck._ Just like that Tony knew what this sudden interest was about: Stephen was trying to distract himself from his memories of Dormammu, he wasn't really interested in hearing about how they got together. For him all their shared history was meaningless.

_Talk to him_, Wong's voice reminded him. Okay, he could do that. He nodded towards the empty chair opposite him. After a moment of hesitation Stephen settled down. He was still jumpy and far too pale but at least he wasn't running away. Also, he was still playing with his ring, Tony noticed. It was something Stephen had always done and it seemed to have sunk into his subconsciousness.

"Out of tons of arguments we made this, yes." He dared to smile. "You're the best thing that has ever happened to me."

"Hard to imagine." There was a bitterness in the words Tony hadn't heart in a long time. Patience, he needed patience. This Stephen was some weird mixture of the arrogant but insecure Stephen he'd fallen in love with and some stranger who didn't even know who he was himself. 

_That's not Stephen. Not really. He doesn't even know..._ "Not from my perspective."

"You won't go away, right? No matter what I say and what I do?"

Tony shook his head. "Never. We promised that to each other."

"I don't remember." Now the bitterness was replaced by longing. "I wish I could." Stephen looked away and concentrated on the ring again. "You have a nice aura." 

_That_ startled a laugh out of Tony. "Wow, I never thought that I'll get to hear something new from you again."

"He... _I_ never told you?"

"I've never been told that I'm 'nice' in my life. Arrogant, selfish asshole is more my thing."

"Then what do you call what you're right now?" Stephen asked. He took his teacup in both hands and took a small sip before he looked up at Tony with his piercing eyes. "You're nice to me, despite me trying to push you away. Wong told me that you're the one who helped me work through a ton of shit and that without you I'd be either dead or incarcerated in Kamar-Taj like all the insane sorcerers before me."

"What the fuck? They do what?" Wong seemed to have spent more time and talked more with Stephen than Tony knew. Also, he seemed to have filled his pretty, empty head with absolute _bullshit_. Tony was going to have words with him about that. Many and very loud words. As soon as Stephen was better.

Stephen smiled, but there was no happiness in it. "It's a fate a lot of the more powerful sorcerers seem to suffer eventually and I've been told that I'm rather powerful. They go through something - usually some crisis or some other traumatic event - and something in them snaps. Before they can wreck too much destruction they get taken away into nice little pocket dimension where they can spend the rest of their days without harming anyone."

It took Tony a moment to find a response to that. "That sounds cruel," he said eventually.

Stephen shrugged. "It's better than letting them run around free and hurt or kill innocents. It's also better than outright killing them." Of course the pacifist in Stephen would see it like that, Tony realized. "I've made my peace with the fact that I might end up there shortly after Dormammu. It's a wonder I didn't came back insane from that."

"It is." Just like it was a wonder that Stephen had come back from his future scrying on Titan with his sanity more or less intact. "But you're stronger than that."

Stephen looked down into his cup again. "Everyone has a breaking point. I think we now found mine. It's just pure luck that the casualty this time was my memory of the last few years and not my sanity."

Tony wasn't willing to see it that way. "It was a spell that did this to you, not something inside of you! I know, I've been there, you know? I saw the green tint of Time Stone magic and I held you in my arms when you collapsed afterwards." Magic. Always, it went back to magic who fucked up everything good and beautiful in Tony's life. First it had taken Pepper away from him and now it threatened to do the same with Stephen.

Stephen still didn't look up. "And why did I perform the spell?" Tony didn't answer as the truth dawned on him and Stephen looked up when no answer came. The bitter smile was back on his face. "I think he - I - couldn't bear the thought of losing you to certain death and so I performed the spell to keep you safe, at the price of his memories and our life together. _You_ seem to be my breaking point, even if I can't remember why." The smile became gentler and Stephen looked away again. "But I starting to understand. You're a good man, Tony. I can begin to see why I fell in love with you."

_You have no idea, baby._ Stephen didn't know about the millions of timelines they fought and died together. He couldn't remember Tony holding and calming him down on Titan when they barely knew each other. He didn't remember snatching the Infinity Stones out of Tony's grasp and scattering them through space, time and dimensions so that nobody could ever use them together again, before letting the rest of the Avengers finish Thanos and his army for good. Saving Tony's life along the way. Oh. _Oh._

"Fuck."

"Yeah." Stephen put the cup back down. "That sums it up nicely, I think. Now, I don't want to hurt you anymore than necessary but I'd really prefer to have a little bit of time alone. I'm sure you understand." He stood up and pulled on his gloves. "I'll see you later, I guess."

It was the last sentence and the dubious tone it was delivered in that made Tony pay attention and the automatic "yeah, sure of course" died unspoken. _Don't let him hide_, Wong's voice reminded him. _Don't let him alone, either_, Tony had heard between the words.

"Sorry, can't do that." He stood up, too. "I promised Wong to stick with you for the time being."

"I don't need a watchdog!" All the calm reason from a minute ago was gone now and Stephen lashed out by instinct.

"You do! I _know_ you, Stephen, better than you know yourself right now! You're going off to do something stupid and I'll be left behind, alone and kicking myself for not listening to Wong!"

Stephen just looked at him for a moment before he turned around and left the kitchen. "Suit yourself. Watch me trying to mediate and find my way through the tangled mess that's inside my head. I'm sure it's going to be very entertaining for you," he called while Tony was still scrambling to get up to follow him. 

The slam of the bedroom door made it clear where Stephen had retreated to.

"Not a good idea," Tony murmured and ran upstairs to try to contain the damage.

By the time he arrived Stephen had more than enough time to see the evidence of just how entwined their lives had become - magical books and Tony's tools lying on the big table under the window, both of their clothes piled on a the chair next to the bed and the biggest sign - the framed photo hanging on the wall.

Stephen was staring at that one when Tony burst into the room. "Stephen," he began but he was ignored.

"I look so happy," Stephen said and the helpless wonder in his voice hurt because he sounded so _surprised_ about it.

"You are. Were," Tony correct himself with a shudder. He tried to see the picture through Stephen's eyes but couldn't. "We're perfect for each other."

Stephen turned around with tears in his eyes. "I wish I could remember," he whispered and for the first time Tony could actually _believe_ him. He reached out with his right hand. Stephen looked at it for a long time before he shook his head and took a step back. "I'm sorry, really, I am. But I look at this," he gestured at the picture, "and I can't even believe that it's me up there. I don't deserve any of this!" He stumbled back but overbalanced and fell backwards onto the bed. "Go away! Please!" He curled up on his side, his hands pressed close to his chest, as if to protect them, and closed his eyes.

Tony took one last look at the picture before he shoved the memories of happiness away and concentrated on the here and now. "Never." Slowly he made his way over and sank down next to Stephen. He could see Stephen's tears and put a careful hand on his shoulder. "You know that in the beginning the roles were reversed? You where the one who tried to get through to me while I didn't want anything from you? I'd just broken up with Pepper and was convinced that I'd never love again." He swallowed as a fresh wave of pain tried to drown him. "You showed me that I deserve compassion, friendship and love."

Nothing. But at least Stephen didn't try to escape from him anymore and he offered no resistance when Tony turned him around to gather him in his arms.

"I know that you don't know me." Oh, how saying those words hurt. "But I'm here for you. Whatever you need, Stephen."

_I love you. I'd do anything for you._ He hoped that Stephen heard that unspoken truth.

"Tell me about the picture."

Tony resisted the impulse to kiss Stephen's temple but he dared to stroke through is hair, once. "Before I get to that I have to tell you about something else…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The asks that inspired this epic (for me, at least):
> 
> _Hello ^_^ I want to say a huge THANK YOU for your fanfiction. It's AWESOME. I love it, every bit, even the angsty ones. And another thing, I read your work which is named after Poets Of The Fall song. I love it. And well... Poets recent album Ultraviolet is totally merged with IronStrange in my head,and maybe 'Sweet Escape' is what I can call 'their' song. Maybe, just maybe, you can write something to this one piece of art or to any other from this album? <3 <3_
> 
> _Prompt ( if you still do them? It’s cool if you don’t haha) : Stephen gets blasted with magic and gets amnesia. Wong can’t leave him alone while he works on a cure and sends him to Stephen’s very confused/worried boyfriend Tony._
> 
> _(Corner Anon is back) What if in order to bring back everyone from the Snap, Stephen has to perform a dangerous spell with the Time Stone. But then something goes wrong and Stephen loses all memory of the past few months. Everything regarding the events of Infinity War and beyond are now lost. He forgets he ever met Tony. Stephen may not be dead, but Tony still lost the man he loves and oh look at that, I’m crying._


	2. Devoted to Compassion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There's so much I have given up for him. The hope for a child of my own, the chance for peace and retirement, the hope that I'll be the first to die. But it was all worth it. _He's_ worth it. A hundred times over. I've always known that I would lose him but I thought it would be to death, not like this. Not to the past and not to insanity."
> 
> Stephen discovers how just deeply his choice has hurt Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for brief talk about past abuse. It's very vaguely referenced and there are not details whatsoever (more of a 'imagine your own kind of horrors' thing) so I didn't put it in the tags up there. It's not a major plot point but it influences some of Stephen's reactions and the dynmics of his and Tony's relationship.

Stephen let the words wash over him and tried to imagine a world where he was happy as the one Tony currently described to him. When the darkness became too oppressive he opened his eyes and shifted around until he could look at the picture again. 

His counterpart - no, he, himself - was sitting on his writing desk with Tony Stark embracing him from behind. The Stephen in the picture, who looked so much younger and more carefree than he was feeling right now, was half turned to the side and smiled up at Tony with a look of such love and pure devotion that it took Stephen's breath away. He hadn't known that he was capable of emotions like that but the evidence right in front of his eyes showed him that he had everything he'd ever wanted and never admitted to. 

"Wong took that picture." Tony's words slowly began to filter through again. "He wanted to have a funny reminder of you sending me flying to the other end of the room but instead he got a snapshot of us being disgustingly cute." Tony had been stroking through his hair since the moment he'd begun to talk and Stephen didn't have the heart to tell him to stop. Also, it felt nice and he had to admit that the touch of another human being was soothing.

_You're touch starved_, his inner doctor diagnosed. Not that Stephen hadn't known that before.

"I wish I could remember." He could almost _feel_ the emotions he must have felt, could _almost_ imagine the things Stark - no, Tony - was telling him about. Ever since the moment he'd woken up to Wong's serious face there was an emptiness inside of him that threatened to overwhelm and drown him. Something vital was missing and not even knowing what it was could soothe the ache deep down in his soul. Something had been ripped out of him and now it felt was if he was slowly bleeding out from the loss. No, not something. The memory of love had been taken from him. Once again, the could feel tears but this time he didn't even try to fight them. He was so _tired_. Dormammu was still fresh in his mind and now all this new pain…

"Shh, just relax, baby. I've got you. Let it out. I'm here to hold you together."

That might be case but Stephen could still feel himself bleeding out. He lacked the words or energy to tell Tony that, though.

"I think Wong was right," he whispered instead. He could feel that Tony stopped breathing for a moment and how his hold around Stephen tightened.

"With what?"

He closed his eyes again, suddenly so tired. The Cloak, which had left his shoulders the moment he'd stepped into his bedroom, returned and settled over him. Tony fussed a little bit with it until it was tucked securely around Stephen's body. Stephen still felt cold but knew that it came from inside of him and no amount of blankets and cuddles could warm him up again. 

"My soul remembers you but my mind doesn't and it _hurts_. It hurts so much. And I'm so sorry and I want to remember, I want it so badly and I'm trying, I swear, I really am but I _can't_ and it's killing me and I'm so sorry…" The words poured out of him in an untypical rush and only stopped when Tony put a hand over his mouth.

"Shh, baby. Enough. Timeout." 

That was the second time Tony called him by that pet name and he could feel a tiny tendril of warmth at that. Funny, he'd always hated it before. Especially from male lovers who had always taken what they wanted from him and then left him. _He's not your lover. He's so much more and you know it, even if you don't remember it._

Stephen forced himself to relax and nodded. Tony took away his hand but only to put it on the side of his neck instead. _Checking my pulse_, Stephen realized with a shudder.

"You were in bad shape when we got together," Tony suddenly said, completely letting go of his former topic. "So was I, actually, but you were worse. I was badly hurt in the fight against Thanos, just like you, but while I was in pretty good shape mentally - for me, at least - you were a complete wreck. Thanos wiped Titan with you and you've not been right in the head since your accident. Maybe even before that. Don't think that I don't know that. But you're better now, Stephen, please believe that. On the best way to being healthy again. Or as healthy as possible for two damaged guys like us." Another kiss, this time to his cheek. "Wong will find a way to restore your memories and you'll be okay again. But in the meantime, I want you to know that I know how to take care of you. And I will. If you let me."

There was so much to unpack here that Stephen concentrated on the most obvious, determined to get to the rest at some other time. "Thanos? Titan? What the hell are you talking about?"

He could hear Tony's groan as much as he could feel it. "Fuck, I forgot that you forgot…"

_That_ brought a smile to Stephen's face. "Tell me how we first met," he begged and tried to ignore the deep ache in his soul that got worse by the minute. Maybe, just maybe, hearing about it would help with the feeling of slowly bleeding out.

In answer, Tony slid down in the bed until he was half-sitting, pushing and shoving until Stephen was nestled in his arms with his head pillowed on Tony's stomach. "This is better for you neck," he said absently while the Cloak tucked itself around them both. "Also, I can keep watch over you better this way. You're slowly slipping away from me; don't think I haven't noticed. But since nothing physical is wrong with I guess there's not much I can do about it now except to try to keep you interested enough that you stay awake." Yet another pause. "Stay awake for me, baby. Please. We've done this before, you know? Me holding you and begging you to stay awake. Only back then I was still calling you Strange and asshole since you've just tried to kill yourself by looking into the future. Oh wow, talk about in media res. Let's go back to the beginning. It was a beautiful day in the middle of summer…"

Stephen didn't try to force the memories but imagined the things Tony was describing to him. He smiled at the thought of ambushing Tony and his fiancée - what had happened to her? He had to ask later, he decided - and outright grinned when Tony told him about the "magical power point show about Infinity Stones". 

He could almost see that one. All the while he was very conscious of the fact that Tony kept track of his breathing and his pulse. He should feel violated at the unasked invasion but instead the care and love Tony showed him through his gestures was the only thing that kept him warm right now. While Tony's right hand was still on his throat the left one had slipped down and rested on his chest. Under the Cloak but over his clothes.

"Breathe with me, Stephen." Tony interrupted his tale. "Just like this. Shh, calm down. You're safe. Promise. Ebony Maw is dead and gone twice over and the only foreign hands you'll ever feel on your body ever again are mine."

_Tony knows_, Stephen realized to his horror. He'd really shared _everything_ with the man and he couldn't even remember why. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to hide his face against the soft fabric of Tony's T-shirt. The trust and the desire to do so came by instinct. Tony was still stroking his hair and his back with soothing, regular strokes.

"Sorry for dropping this on you without warning. But it's kind of an important detail." He could hear Tony swallow. "I've never before told you this - but seeing you like this, hurting and panicked and without a clue on how to continue made you _human_ in my eyes. You've been so strong and controlled in our interactions before. Ebony Maw shattered that illusion and beyond it I saw someone just as scared and confused as myself. When you reached out to help me up a little bit later it was the easiest thing in the world to trust you. When you went into shock after looking into different futures it was pure instinct that made me take you into my arms and try to comfort you. You came to me with barely any protest."

"I haven't been held in a long time." He couldn't remember the last time, actually. "But I've always liked it." Tony just tightened his hold for a moment.

"I know," he whispered as slid down until he had Stephen's head on his shoulder and could hold him even more securely. "Which is why we've done this since the day we got together."

Stephen smiled at that, feeling a little bit warmer already. "Cuddling?"

"Hmm, yes. Actually, we were cuddling before we were having sex."

Stephen liked that sound of that and had a ton of questions about their sex life he wasn't quite ready to ask about. "Sounds suspicious." All his previous experiences with men had been of the grope, fumble, a quick fuck in the dark, never to be seen again variety. With the one exception of the creep who couldn't take 'no' for an answer and tried to force him, leading him to forego casual sex altogether. The first and only time he'd kissed another guy had been back when he was a teenager.

Tony laughed. "Yeah, we totally did things backward. But first you have to know what happened on Titan. You need to know that so that you can understand why a total stranger is so unwilling to let you go now."

Wow, it seemed they had even gotten over the 'stupid puns with your last name phase'. Stephen was impressed. 

"You're not a stranger." Stephen could _feel_ the connection between them. The way his body moved into Tony's hold, the way he instinctively relaxed the moment Tony put his arms around him when his last memory of another man holding him was one of fear and trying to escape…

Tony wasn't to be interrupted. "Anyway. There we were, on Titan, you already weak and hurt from being tortured, me banged up and with a teenager to worry about, and then Quill and his merry band of lunatics and Mantis showed up…"

Stephen closed his eyes and only concentrated on the feel of Tony's fingers on his neck while he let the words wash over him. There was no emotional response in him, not even when Tony described how he went to look into millions of different futures to find the one way to victory. The queasy feeling of something familiar only resurfaced when Tony told him about his panic attack afterwards. For him his last panic attack was only a couple of days ago when he woke up from being impaled by Dormammu once again. He'd been alone, shaking, scared and crying, his hands on fire, and he hadn't slept for the rest of the night. The next morning Wong had taken one look at him and offered to block the dreams with a spell. He'd declined.

"You came out of that so scared and weak that for a little while I was afraid that you'll go into cardiac arrest right in front of me," Tony said softly. "That was the moment I realized that I couldn't lose you, not only because you're an important ally but because I've begun to care about you." 

"My life seems to be a never-ending horror show."

"Shh, don't be morbid, sweetheart." Oh, yet another nick name. Tony really seemed to like those. "It's just the beginning that was rough. The rest of our whirlwind romance was exactly that - romantic. Sprinkled with a ton of sarcasm, granted, but also full of literal butterflies." Tony hesitated for a moment. "Your magic produces beautiful butterflies when you're happy."

"It does?" The last butterfly he could remember seeing had been during the LSD-trip the Ancient One had given him after his arrival in Kamar-Taj. "Can't say I've ever noticed them before." Not that he was surprised, considering what Tony had just told him about when they appeared.

"Oh, Stephen." Great, now he'd made Tony tear up, he could hear it. He really was useless. "It does. I can't wait for you to see them. You're always especially beautiful when it happens."

_That_ made Stephen snort. "Not really a word I'm associating with myself, really." Scarred, shaky, useless at the most basic things… and when he looked into a mirror 'beautiful' was the last thing he'd ever thought about himself. "Tell me the rest of our not-so beautiful beginning. I need to know. Please."

The ache in his soul became worse with every word but he tried to ignore it, wanting to lose himself in a nice fantasy world where everything was perfect and almost nothing hurt. There was this big, blank wall between him and this life. All he'd ever wanted was behind it, sealed away behind a barrier with no way through. _I'm going to destroy myself trying to break through_, he realized.

The thought didn't hold nearly as much horror as it should. Better to go out chasing love than being dragged down by depression.

* * *

_As soon as you remember everything I'm going to kick your ass into the mirror dimension and back again. After I've finished strangling you and kissed you until you begged for mercy._

Stephen had gently drifted away shortly after Tony had finished his recounting of the final battle against Thanos. He's barely interrupted in those last few minutes, too tired and weary to really react to anything Tony told him. But the way he'd barely flinched when Tony had told him about his death on Titan had told Tony everything he didn't actually want to know about Stephen's current state of mind. His soft "finally" had broken Tony's heart all over again.

All the hard work of the last few years was lost and Stephen was back to being the half-suicidal wreck he'd been when Tony first got his hands on him. It was a brutal reminder just how fast everything could be ripped away from them and once again showed him just how important his and Wong's continued support was.

Stephen had been afraid and bitter when Tony searched him out in the library but now he was hurting and getting worse. Somehow, Tony _knew_ that it wasn't because of the shared history he'd dragged up. Whatever spell Stephen had performed had fucked up more than his memory and now the true cost was starting to show.

The way Stephen - despite his history of abuse and wrongly chosen partners - willingly cuddled close to a man he didn't know was also very telling and led further weight to Wong's theory of his soul remembering.

_Screw it_, he decided. Stephen had responded so beautifully to him he could risk it. He bent down and kissed him lightly on the mouth. "Nothing can tear us apart," he whispered against Stephen's closed lips. "Bigger and scarier things have tried, believe me. You're mine and I'm yours. You've challenged death itself for me and I've gone through hell and back for you. We'll get our butterflies back, you're too stubborn to not remember, no matter what the freaky magic did to you."

He carefully disentangled himself from Stephen and the Cloak and made sure that he was resting in a comfortable position. "Get me if he wakes up," he begged the Cloak. "I'll be downstairs with Wong." He carefully brushed he hair away from Stephen's face, another gesture they both were rather fond of. "Please, remember me. Us."

He wiped away a tear before he forced himself to turn around and leave Stephen behind.

* * *

"There's so much I have given up for him," Stephen heard as he carefully made his way towards the kitchen, wrapped in and supported by the Cloak. It was pretty much the only thing keeping him upright by now. He came to a full stop, leaning against the wall for support. He felt queasy and everything ached but he needed to hear this.

"The hope for a child of my own, the chance for peace and retirement," there was a short pause, "the hope that I'll be the first to die. But it was all worth it. _He's_ worth it. A hundred times over. I've always known that I would lose him but I thought it would be to death, not like this. Not to the past and not to insanity." Tony's tone made clear that he wasn't happy about the new for him information and that he would come back to that topic; Stephen could already recognize the signs.

He closed his eyes and held his breath. The sheer pain in Tony's voice eclipsed everything else. To be responsible for so much misery, taking so much from _Tony Stark_ of all people…

"You haven't lost him," Wong interrupted.

A short, bitter laugh. "Haven't I? He looks at me and sees a stranger. He doesn't remember giving up his life for me and putting the fate of the universe on my shoulders. He doesn't remember our screaming matches, the way I tried to run away from him. He doesn't remember our first kiss, he doesn't even know about the butterflies, for heaven's sake!" A sob. "Why doesn't he know about the butterflies?"

Wong didn't answer for a long while and by the time he did Stephen could feel tears on his face. "Because you're the one who brought them out, Tony. I've never seen him happier than when he is with you. I think he was never truly happy before you two found each other."

_I want it back. I want my life back._ The ache was almost unbearable now and he slid down the wall to curl up into a ball of misery. _He doesn't deserve this. **I** don't deserve this. What the fuck did I think?_

"He's so broken and I don't even know how to begin to fix him. His body curls up around me like always but there's this blank look in his eyes and I don't know for how much longer I can do this. "

"You'll do it for as long as it's necessary." There was no heat in Wong's voice, only resignation. That didn't bode well, Stephen realized.

"Of course I will. I should go and check in on him. He's probably going to wake up soon." 

"He'll be hurting and maybe even more disoriented." No, he wasn't, Stephen protested silently. Hurting, yes, but not disoriented or confused. He knew who he was and who he was supposed to be and the dichotomy literally made him sick.

"And there's really no way that he'll recover his memories?"

Another long pause. "Not on his own, no. It was quite hard to find the spell he's used - _I_ didn't even know it exited and I don't even want to know where he got it from. It's dangerous magic that would have killed pretty much everyone else. The memories are gone from his brain, like they've never existed in the first place. Just like the damage he undid. And your injury."

_No!_ Stephen couldn't accept that. He wasn't ready to give up the life he was supposed to have. Better to die than to have to look at Tony being devastated and living with the knowledge that he had everything and lost it.

"Then what about this whole 'his soul remembers you' thing? There's _something_ of us left inside of him, maybe not memories but feelings. He's just too confused right now to really feel them but they are there. He wouldn't trust me like he does otherwise."

"As you say, the feelings are still there, but the memories attached to them aren't."

So here it was, the explanation _why_ he felt like crap and torn apart. Nice to know but he would have preferred something more tangible.

"That doesn't sound good."

"It isn't." Wong sounded very sure about that and the bad feeling intensified. "If this goes on for too long he'll just wither away because his mind is in the past and the rest of him is in the present. A human body is not meant to survive that."

There were more words but he didn't really hear them. The next thing he truly noticed was a quiet but heartfelt "Fuck, Stephen! What are you doing here?" from Tony, followed by a thud as Tony fell down to the floor next to him and gathered him close into an embrace. He hated and loved the way his body immediately leaned into the contact and couldn't contain the soft sigh that escaped when Tony pulled him even closer. He once again hid his face against Tony's neck and barely flinched when Wong's hand landed on his shoulder.

"That's what I meant. See how he seeks you out."

"Yes, yes, I get it. So now what do we do to make him better? As much as I like him clinging to me I'm not really a fan of him doing it because he's hurting and confused."

"Still… still here," he whispered. "Not confused. Don't talk about me as if I'm not here." He didn't deny the hurting part and was pretty sure that both Tony and Wong noticed that little fact.

Tony dropped a kiss on his head and what should feel like a throw-away gesture meant to soothe him became so much more when Tony bent down until their faces could touch. "Sorry, baby," he murmured before carefully taking Stephen's right hand entwining their fingers. There it was again, the hated nick name that made him feel safe and protected, almost as much as Tony's arms around his body did. His mind screamed but his body let itself be manipulated without any resistance whatsoever. He didn't understand and it hurt that he couldn't remember why he responded to Tony like that.

Wong's hand was still on his shoulder, lending his own, unique kind of support. That, at least, he knew.

"You have to use the Eye again." The news dropped like a bombshell.

"What?!" Tony's voice was a furious whisper but Stephen didn't manage much more than a shudder.

"To undo the damage I did the first time?" 

He could _feel_ the way Tony and Wong looked at each other.

"Maybe. Hopefully. There's a chance, nothing more."

"I'll do it." Everything to get back what he'd lost. He tried to stand up but Tony continued to hold him in his protective embrace.

"No. Not now. You're shaking apart in my arms. I'm only letting you do this when you're stronger."

He wanted to protest but Wong, the traitor, sided with Tony. "He's right, Stephen. Rest, gather your strength, let me do some more research. We have time to do this right."

"See?" Now Tony was speaking directly into his ear. "No need to rush off and risk your pretty head. Again. Let Wong do his thing and let me take care of you."

"Seems that all I do is letting you take care of me." The way Tony treated him, coupled with the way Stephen's body reacted to him - he didn't like some of the conclusions he'd come to. At least not without the context he lacked. That wasn't him, except that apparently it was.

Tony didn't protest and he didn't laugh. "You take care of me just as much," he said. "Just in different ways."

His head was killing him and he was so busy clinging to the fragile hope Wong's words had evoked that he didn't even protest when Tony lifted him up and carried him towards his - _their_ \- bedroom.

Tomorrow, he'd decided, he would do whatever was necessary to get his memories back, no matter what Wong or Tony had to say about it. Tonight, he would allow himself be coddled. He deserved that, didn't he? Besides, it didn't seem as if he had any other choice than to surrender himself into Tony's care.

The prospect filled him with warmth and joy instead of the panic and fear it should bring.


	3. Fearless in Your Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Maybe I can give you butterflies when I'm back."
> 
> "Screw the butterflies, just come back to me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the chapter that's the reason for half the tags up there. Have fun!

Stephen committed the page to memory and waved the book containing it away with a careless gesture. He'd retreated into the mirror dimension to do this - there was no way he was going to endanger anyone. Getting Tony - and the Cloak of Levitation - to stay behind had been one of the hardest battles of his life but he'd managed it after hours of heated discussion.

This was his show, his last chance at redemption, and he didn't want any witnesses in case he failed. He didn't know what he would do if this failed - try to rebuild his life with Tony? Run away to Kamar-Taj? Maybe he'd fry his brain in the process and all the what-if's were unnecessary. He just knew that Tony would never leave his side, not even if the worst should happen.

He would be taken care of, even if he was too damaged to notice it. That train of thought was way more comforting than it should be, he'd realized over the last few hours.

He had woken up in Tony's arms. The way Tony smiled at him had done _things_ to him that only helped to strengthen his resolve to fix the thing he'd fucked up. Tony deserved the Stephen he loved back and he, himself, desperately wanted to be worthy of the beautiful love Tony had shown him over and over again.

"Be careful," Tony had told him before he went into the mirror dimension. "And no matter how it goes - come back to me." Thankfully, Tony didn't try to sell him some bullshit lie that it didn't matter if he regained his memories or not. Still, he knew that the words were sincere. Tony wanted him back, with or without memories.

"Maybe I can give you butterflies when I'm back," he'd replied and Tony's smile, tinged with sadness, was the image he took with him. _Maybe I'll remember why I want to give myself to you so badly._ He wanted Tony's hands on his body, wanted to be kissed, caressed and taken by him.

"Screw the butterflies, just come back to me." Tony had embraced him for a long moment before finally pressing a kiss against his forehead. "Come back to me," he'd repeated softly. "We'll sort everything out."

Tony tried so hard to project optimism but they both knew that the chances weren't in their favor. Despite that Stephen had to _try_ or risk losing his sanity or even life for good.

He'd gotten his instructions and a heartfelt "good luck", accompanied by an surprisingly tight hug, from Wong a little while before. Wong had chosen to let them say their goodbyes and private and Stephen was thankful for that. Another thing he was dying to know - what had happened to make Wong from a casual acquaintance to a close friend who apparently lived with him and Tony in the Sanctum?

Mysteries on top of mysteries. Hopefully, they would be solved soon.

Once again cursing his shaking hands he closed his eyes and concentrated on the spell.

_Please, let this work. I want my life back._

A flash of green, followed by darkness, and he surrendered himself gratefully to it.

*

His head was still killing him. That was the first thing he noticed when he came to. The second was that he was lying on the floor, still in the mirror dimension. With a groan he rolled over to his front and could see Tony pacing and nervously watching the spot where Stephen had vanished into the other plane. The Cloak was around his shoulders, fluttering in agitation and one of Tony's hands was clenched in the fabric as if to keep it from flying away, despite it making no attempt to do so. Tony's other hand was on his chest, as if his chronic pain was flaring up.

Speaking of pain…

Something was digging into his chest. With yet another groan he moved to his side while his right hand went to brush away whatever it was that hurt him. His fingers and his mind crashed to an abrupt standstill when he discovered the ring under the thin tunic he wore.

_Fuck._

The few moments of blissful not-knowing were over and he didn't even try to hold back the tears. Tony. The ring. Their _engagement_.

He still couldn't remember it.

He could remember Titan, his head was suddenly full with 14.000.605 different timelines, he could remember the time Tony lost his patience with him and slammed him against the nearest wall in an desperate attempt to make Stephen _listen_ to him and stop his self-destructive downward spiral, he could remember the day Pepper and Tony finally broke up for good. Rhodey had brought Tony to the Sanctum to be with friends and things between them had evolved in the months afterwards.

He could remember all that but not their first kiss, the first time Tony made love to him or the day of their engagement. He only knew about it because Tony had told him about it the day before yesterday and because of the ring around his neck. He looked at his left hand; the one too painful to wear a ring on, according to Tony, and wished he could remember the frustration of discovering that little fact.

His memory was a jumbled mess, some pieces where they belonged, some in the wrong place and some simply… missing.

He could remember loving Tony, in bits and pieces. Not what he'd wanted, he wanted all or nothing, preferably all, not some kind of weird in-between.

"Tony," he whispered, once again looking at the nervous man waiting for him on the other side. "I'm sorry."

He curled up around himself, already crying like he hadn't in years. He deserved this. A few moments to let it all out before he had to gather himself, get up, face Tony and confess that he'd screwed up.

Once again.

* * *

"Stephen? Baby, what's wrong?" All thoughts and hopes of a happy reunion fled Tony's mind the moment he took in Stephen's red-rimmed eyes, his shaking body and the desperate look in his eyes. "Do you know," he began but then he didn't know how to continue. _Who I am? Why you are here? What happened?_

Stephen stumbled towards him and Tony caught him by instinct. At least _something_ was still left inside that beautiful mind of his. That laid the worst of Tony's fears to rest.

"I remember Ebony Maw and Thanos," Stephen whispered into his ear and Tony closed his eyes at the sheer pain in his voice. "I remember so many things but not everything. Some things are just… _gone_. Forever." His voice forbade any further questions and Tony decided to postpone the inevitable discussion to a later date and concentrate on damage control for now.

He swallowed and held on even tighter. "What's gone? Do you know…?"

"Our first time. Our engagement. The day you moved in here. Other things." A quiet sob. "And I have no idea what."

All their most precious shared memories, basically. Now he understood why Stephen had been crying. "But you remember _us_?" He held his breath, dreading the answer. He almost went down to his knees in relief when he got it.

"Yes. I remember you taking me out to dinner last week; the conference you dragged me to three months ago and so many other things." Stephen paused and raised his head from Tony's shoulder. "I remember _this_." He bent forwards to press a hesitant kiss against Tony's lips. Tony opened his mouth by instinct, but as usual couldn't stay passive for long and took control over the kiss in a matter of seconds. Stephen _melted_ into it in the most beautiful way. Just like always. "I remember what you did to me after that dinner." He could feel Stephen smiling.

Oh. _Oh._ Tony grinned, delighted and let one hand wander down until it came to rest on Stephen's ass. He squeezed gently through the thin fabric covering it, not doing anything else. He could feel Stephen's cock trying to get hard against his own but knew that it would take him a while to get there. One of the late after-effects of his accident and the following substance abuse but one they'd learned to deal with.

"I can always show you what we did on our first night together," he offered breathlessly, kicking himself a moment later for his thoughtlessness. "Shit, sorry, forget that I…"

Stephen pushed his awakening erection against him, desperate for contact. "If it involves you bending me over and fucking me senseless, then yes," he whispered, already half begging. "Please," he tacked on in that particular tone of voice that always went straight to Tony's cock and made thinking an almost impossible luxury. Then Tony's non-reaction filtered through but instead of stepping back he just pressed himself harder against Tony's body. "I remember," he promised. "I do. Many things. Details are missing, yes, but I know who I am, who you are and what we have. You're not taking advantage of me. I _want_ this. You." He pressed a kiss against Tony's throat. "Show me that I'm still yours. Please."

Yes, some memories were _definitely_ back where they belonged, their long and drawn out conversations about past lovers and consent included, it seemed. Tony had been too scared of Stephen's possible reaction to even _think_ about this particular part about their relationship but now that Stephen was back and offering… He blinked and took a step back to try to clear his head.

"Toooony," Stephen whined and God, what that sound did to him.

"Soon, baby," he promised. Stephen's condition had put his life basically on hold and he had to contact a ton of people who wanted to know what happened. "But first we'll have to tell Wong what's up. And tell all the other's that you're back. More or less." Rhodey had been calling almost every hour, Pepper had asked and all of their comrades who had been forced to witness Tony carry Stephen away after his spellwork. He put a hand on top of Stephen's cock. "You can hold out until tonight, I know you can, sweetheart. I'll take care of you later, you know I will. I'll play the whole night with you." He squeezed gently and was rewarded with a slight twitch. Someone was _very_ excited.

"Promise?" Stephen asked, pupils already blown wide.

Another gentle squeeze and one last kiss before Tony stepped back. "Have I ever not held my promises to you?"

Stephen blinked in surprise at being forced out of his arousal and back into the real world. "Not that I can remember," he answered. "But then, I'm not remembering everything, am I?" He laughed and elegantly moved out of the way when Tony tried to swat him on the ass.

"You'll pay for that," Tony threatened but Stephen only grinned back at him.

"Promises, promises. We'll see if you can deliver, I guess."

_This_ was the Stephen he'd fallen in love with; a very particular mixture of arrogance and insecurity mixed with a quite a few submissive tendencies, but always ready to bounce back and take control when necessary. It had taken them so long to finally get there and Tony was ecstatic at having the man he loved more than life itself back.

Whatever was missing, they could work around it, he knew it. The core was still there and they could always recreate the lost memories.

Starting tonight.

* * *

"Look at you," Tony murmured a couple of hours later, looking down at Stephen's naked and willing body spread out before him. "So pretty and so well-behaved." He carefully cupped Stephen's still soft cock with one hand. "You really held out the whole day, without any help. I'm proud of you."

Stephen was very sensitive and didn't care for cock rings and the likes but he loved to be teased with the threat of one. One day Tony was going to threaten him with a whole chastity belt but that was something for another night. It was going to be fun, Tony already knew that, but they had to rebuild so much before he could introduce that concept. In some ways Stephen was still adorably innocent and was always fun to introduce him to new concepts he knew about but never even had _thought_ to apply to himself.

Stephen blushed, closed his eyes and turned his head away. But the slight twitch under Tony's hand told its own story. Tony smiled and squeezed. Gently. "I'm only going to fuck you when you're fully hard," he promised. "In the meantime I'm going to play with you to remind you who you belong to."

"I've never forgotten." Stephen forced himself to look at Tony and spread his legs further after some light pressure was applied. "Even when I didn't know you my body submitted to you."

"I still don't know what I have done to deserve you," Tony confessed. It was a question he asked himself almost daily but so far he'd never spoken it out loud. "Or what it means that you reacted to me like that, despite me being a stranger."

"It means that my trust in you goes soul deep and some part of me will always remember, no matter what." Stephen relaxed and let Tony spread his legs a little bit further. He tilted his pelvis up in invitation and shuddered when Tony caressed the tender insides of his thighs. "I remember that you're the only one who's touched me since…"

_Ebony Maw_, Tony filled out mentally. "Shh," Tony put a hand over his mouth to stop the words but Stephen just licked his palm and grinned. Bastard. Tony shook off the memory of that creep's hand on Stephen's - thankfully fully clothed - body as he made sure that the lube was nearby. "What do you want, baby?"

A shudder ran through Stephens body, not that Tony was surprised. He hated and loved being told to verbalize his desires in equal measures.

"You," he finally said, "fingering me open until I'm good and ready, then your cock." Another beautiful blush. "No toys. Not tonight. Just you. I want to come with you inside of me."

Oh, _nice_. Basic but nice. Very nice. "I can do that," he promised. "That's pretty much how our first time together went, anyway." He took his hand away to look at Stephen's awakening erection, instinctively knowing that he didn't want any further touch right now. Sometimes Stephen wanted to get hard without any outside help. He grabbed the lube and rubbed some of it between his fingers to warm it up.

"You fucking me?"

It shouldn't be as hot as it was but Stephen asking him what they'd done… Fuck, it always was an incredible feeling being trusted with Stephen's body and mind but for Stephen to do so with half of his memories of them being together lacking…

"You do realize that that's how it usually goes between us, right?" he asked gently while he carefully pushed the first finger into Stephen. The first time Stephen had been so tight but by now he could take fingers and some smaller toys easily. Not that Stephen would feel anything but Tony tonight.

Stephen moaned and tilted his hips for deeper penetration. "I know. I've always preferred to… oh!" He cried out when Tony pushed a second finger inside of him without warning. He didn't want to hear about Stephen's previous experiences, he still remembered the stories vividly. "More!"

Tony smiled. "Eager as always", he murmured, putting his free hand on Stephen's hip to keep him still. "Relax and enjoy the ride. You know how this goes."

Stephen blinked at him, words already beginning to flee, but he nodded and surrendered himself to the pace Tony set for him.

"You're doing so well," Tony praised him and added a third finger. At this point it wasn't really necessary but it was fun for both of them and that was the important part. "Taking me as beautifully as always. As if you were made for me to play with."

"Maybe I was," Stephen whispered and Tony looked up in surprise. Normally Stephen was almost non-verbal by at this point. "Made for you," he clarified when he didn't get an immediate response. "I like that idea." His breathing stopped for a moment when Tony hit his prostate. "More. _Please_," he whined and Tony just _had_ to lean forwards and kiss him, slow and deep. As always, the way Stephen let him control the kiss was deeply satisfying.

"So do I, my love. Mine to love and protect. Yes, I'll take it." He winked. "And you, while I'm at it." He crooked his fingers just so and smiled in satisfaction when Stephen's delighted laugh morphed into a deep moan and his beautiful eyes closed in pleasure.

By the time Tony finally took him he was the usual mess, begging and whispering nonsense, his slender body moving with a grace at the slightest guiding touch. _That_ always took Tony's breath away.

"Mine," he whispered a second before he came and Stephen agreed with some wordless sound of pleasure. Tony collapsed on his chest and Stephen held on to him as if his life depended on it.

* * *

Hours later, with Stephen in his customary position next to Tony, with Tony's arm around his waist and one possessive hand on Stephen's hip he dared to ask the question that had been haunting him since the moment he'd realized how he'd subconsciously reacted to Tony.

"When did you realize?"

Thankfully, he didn't have to clarify what he meant.

"I had my suspicions even before I got my hands on you for the first time," Tony answered quietly, absently stroking his hip. "The way you reacted to some touches, the way your eyes close and you look down… don't worry, nobody but me ever saw it. Your self-control is incredible."

"But I slipped up as soon as we got closer?"

"I like to think that you knew you'd be safe me with." He could hear the smile in Tony's voice.

"Who knows?"

"Wong, of course. He's known that you need somebody to", _submit to_, Stephen mentally filled out despite the word making him want to flinch, "who takes care of you since before I met you," Tony finished. A much nicer euphemism and one Stephen finally recognized for what it was.

Of course Wong knew. He could live with that. Wong had tried to calm his tortured mind after Dormammu but they'd soon discovered that he couldn't fill that particular role in his life. He would always be Stephen's best friend and a steady rock in an increasingly unsteady existence but he couldn't give Stephen the particular kind of release or love Tony could.

"Who else?"

"Rhodey." Tony's best friend since forever, so it was no surprise. "Christine." As expected. "And Pepper."

Tony's ex-fiancée who had walked away amicably after Thanos' defeat when the cracks in their relationship had become too severe to fix and Tony had already started to look at Stephen with unmistakable longing. She had seen the writing on the wall long before either one of them had and was still a close and treasured friend for both of them. She'd taken one look at them together and had known. Her gentle smile and blessing of their relationship was one of the memories that had returned and Stephen was more than thankful for it.

Tony needed someone to take care of, someone who was willing to surrender himself with all their heart, body and soul, and Pepper needed neither needed nor wanted that on a more or less permanent basis.

Stephen did. Wanted and needed it in equal measures. Turning himself over into Tony's care had been one of the best choices he'd ever made, he knew that even without all of his memories intact.

"Nobody else?"

"Nobody else," Tony confirmed. "Just the people closest to us who would rather die than betray us. We all know how important it is that this stays a secret."

Submissive tendencies weren't something Stephen could afford to have in his position, after all. His hands were bad enough. Too many beings, friendly, neutral, or hostile, could try to take advantage of him.

"How did our first time really go?" Somehow, he doubted that Tony had fingered him open for an eternity before fucking him slowly until he managed to come from that alone; something that was always a struggle for Stephen since the accident.

Tony laughed but is was gentle and non-teasing. "You were halfway gone before I even had you out of your belts. You were desperate and so touch-starved that it almost broke my heart. Your body begged to be taken but your mind was still trying to fight against it." Tony's hand slid lower and cupped his ass once again, gathering him closer in the process. "There was no question that I would be the one fucking you. It was painfully obvious that we both wanted that and it hurt to see you struggle against it. You were scared but stubborn and I was pushy. It the end it went rather better than it probably should have." A kiss against his hair and Stephen snuggled closer into Tony's hold.

He could imagine it all too clearly. Knowing himself he'd probably cried after Tony finished with him. He didn't resist when Tony put two fingers under his chin and forced him to raise it until he could look at Tony. He once again melted into the kiss that was pressed against his lips.

"We're compatible," he said when it became clear that some sort of answer was expected. "Always have been." _Always will be._

"It took us a while to find the right balance," Tony explained quietly. "You've been suppressing that part of yourself for so long and your fight-or-flight-reflex is insanely strong. Not that I can blame you. For either of those things. But you're incredible stubborn and willing to try over and over again until you get it right. God, Stephen, you're so pretty when you allow yourself to let go." Another kiss. "You're so good for me, sweetheart." Yes, he'd definitely been crying, even if he didn't remember. He could feel the tears well up right now because he still hadn't learned to deal with the pure love and devotion Tony showed him on a daily basis.

Tony's words felt right and were like a balm for his soul, but while he now more or less knew where they stood there were still so many things missing. He took a deep breath. "What do I call you?" Sir? Master? Something else? He didn't _know_.

Tony didn't laugh but his expression made it clear what he thought of that. Nothing. "Tony," he said eventually. "Various pet-names but not nearly as many as I heap on you, baby. You particularly like that one. And sweetheart. I make sure to only use them in private because you always react beautifully to them. Like now." He stroked over the goosebumps on Stephen's arm and grinned at the shudder that evoked. He hesitated. "Whatever you're thinking right now, forget it. Please. We make our own rules."

_You're too damaged for everything else_, Stephen heard and knew that this was a truth Tony would never say out loud.

"We're just two boring, middle-aged guys who are engaged and occasionally indulge in slightly kinky sex. It's not like we have a sex dungeon down in the cellar." He paused for dramatic effect. "Or do we?"

Stephen stretched before he put his head back on Tony's chest and kissed the big scar where the arc reactor had once been. "Not that I know of. There is a room for ritual sacrifice, though."

Tony began to stroke his back. "I know. We had a rather lovely evening down there, a couple of months ago. You were the very willing victim who was tied down to be sacrificed in some ancient ritual to some demon or demi-god or whatever. I don't quite remember how it went or if we even had the same storyline in the end. But you screamed rather prettily. _That_ I remember."

"_I_ remember that one," Stephen said. He was too worn out for any kind of action for the rest of the night but the memory filled him with warmth. "You were fussing for ages, afraid of the bindings hurting my wrists and that the altar was too cold and hard. You forced me to lay on thick blankets, if I remember correctly. And in the end the Cloak was restraining my wrists because you refused to, and I quote, 'entrust your wrists to anything else'."

Tony shrugged. "You're not into pain and I'm not interested in seeing you hurting. Also, the Cloak likes helping you get off." They both looked at the serenely floating piece of red fabric which had watched them the whole evening. It waved back at them when it noticed their attention. "See? We'll have to invite it to join us again soon."

It noticeably perked up at that.

As if Stephen needed any more reasons to love this man more than live itself. It was so easy to see why he'd paid the price of his memories to save him from bleeding to death. Yes, that memory had also returned. He could have done without it.

_Don't think about it._

Tony's next words made it easier than it should be.

"Let me take you away, my love. Somewhere nice and quiet where you can recover and we have time for each other without worrying about anything but each other." Tony hesitated for a moment. "I want a few days I can devote just to you. Being there for you, taking care of you and nothing else. Please. Let's do this."

His first instinct was to say no. He'd been out of commission for days now and he couldn't afford to go on a holiday now. But… he _needed_ a time out, he knew. The last few months, what he could remember of them, had been hectic and basically one catastrophe after the other. Their wedding had been postponed over and over again because of things happening and destroying any plans they managed to make.

He grabbed the chain around his neck with shaking fingers and twisted it around his neck until he held the ring itself. There was no engraving on it as he'd discovered when he'd first checked it out and now he knew why. Like so many other things, they couldn't afford it. _He_ couldn't afford it.

But they could afford a little time-out. He dimly remembered arguing with Wong about that, actually, shortly before the disastrous battle that had almost cost him everything. Wong had more or less begged him to take a step back and just rest for a few days.

_"You're wearing yourself out and it's going to bite you - and probably Tony - in the ass a the worst possible moment."_ Wong, the prophet, right once again.

He pulled at the necklace. "Get if off me, please," he begged and Tony complied after a moment with a confused expression.

"Here." He tossed the necklace towards the bedside table and Stephen could hear it slide to the floor. It didn't matter anymore. Instead, he got up to his knees, pulling Tony upwards with him. He refused the offered ring and held out his right hand instead, the intention clear.

"Right here, right now." He smiled at the confusion on Tony's beautiful face. "And tomorrow we'll go on our honeymoon. FRIDAY can fix the legal part in our absence." He could feel a myriad of butterflies deep in his stomach and swallowed hard. "Marry me, Tony. Make me yours for all eternity. I want to wake up, look at my hand and know whom I belong to."

"Stephen…" Tony took his wrist with infinite care and slid the ring on with a slowness that was almost torturous. Stephen balled his hand into the weak approximation of a fist he could do. "How is it?" Tony asked.

"No pain," Stephen assured him. In truth, apart from a little bit of pressure he could barely feel the heavy metal sitting on his skin. "It feels wonderful."

"Good. Now me." Tony held out his left hand and after a moment Stephen got it. It took him much longer but he managed to slide the ring off and put it on Tony's right ring finger. "With this ring, I take you," he began but Tony interrupted him with a kiss before he could finish.

"Forever," he said. "Let's forget about all that wordy crap. We just got married. Let's do the wedding night, if you're up for it."

Did he really think he was done for the night only a short while ago? Stephen grinned and spread his arms out dramatically. "I'm yours to command as you wish. Although I fully expect to be carried over the threshold when we arrive at this proposed getaway."

"Oh, I can do that," Tony promised, his voice already getting lower as he looked Stephen up and down. He grabbed Stephen's right hand and pressed a kiss against the ring. "You're not going to walk for at least a day. And after that I'm going to spoil you until you beg for mercy."

"I like begging for mercy." He did. He really, truly did. He knew that. Just like he knew that Tony loved to reduce him to a shivering, helplessly begging mess under his careful ministrations.

"I know. And you do it so well, baby." Tony's hand landed on the back of his neck and he pulled Stephen down into yet another kiss. "I love you, Stephen."

The words still made him dizzy with disbelief and he shuddered in helpless pleasure. "Love you too," he said and really, truly felt it deep down in his soul. "More than anything else."

Tony didn't react to that apart from a sharply indrawn breath but before Stephen could open his eyes to see what had happened he said, "Look, sweetheart."

He put the palm of his hand on Stephen's left cheek and gently turned his head towards the end of the bed.

One single, bright turquoise butterfly was sitting on the bedpost, lazily flapping its shimmering wings.

"They're back," Tony breathed in awe. "Your butterflies are back." There were tears in his eyes and voice while Stephen looked at the beautiful little creature in awe.

"I don't understand," he started to say but then remembered what Tony had told him. His magic apparently created butterflies when he was truly happy but he couldn't remember a single one of those instances. "Oh," he whispered, still confused.

"Let's make many more of them, okay? I never, ever want to go without them again." He willingly followed Tony's - his _husband's_ \- lead as he was once again arranged on the bed. "Ready for round two?"

"Ready for the rest of our lives," he fired back while he was still busy staring at the tangible proof of his happiness and love.

The Cloak came nearer, clearly asking for permission to join them this time. Stephen gave it with a smile and a nod while Tony moved to the side so that it had enough space to arrange itself to its liking.

"It will support and restrain you as needed," Tony explained gently and Stephen was thankful that he didn't have to verbalize his confusion. "It likes playing with you. Not that I can blame it."

The Vishanti help him, he was married to _Tony Stark_ and a sentient - and apparently quite kinky - blanket joined them regularly when they had sex.

He truly had the best life ever.

"I'm all yours," he murmured and looked first at Tony and then at the Cloak. "Do with me whatever you want."

"Oh, we intend to, never fear," Tony whispered back while the Cloak squeezed his wrists carefully. "Close your eyes and just enjoy us taking care of you."

Stephen did as he was told and once again surrendered himself into the care of the man he loved and his Cloak.

The butterfly was joined by an another, almost identical one, before the night was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _You’re the only one_   
_Who has seen me come undone_   
_And then seen beyond_
> 
> ~ _The Sweet Escape_, Poets of the Fall
> 
> * * *
> 
> Thank you so much reading! I hope you enjoyed it. Kudos and comments are pure love and make my day. This tale marks the end of my [Ironstrange Bingo card](https://whenthesunburnsout.tumblr.com/post/183960499813/angst-yearning-for-the-peace-first-the/), we'll see each other on the one for the Stephen Strange Bingo. 🦋


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